Accurate representation of my day.

Equifaxed — A Day in the Life

September 25th, 2017, 20 days after Equifax announced a cyber-security incident that “might” affect up to 143 million customers.

0630a — Wakes up. Checks phone. Sees 300 new emails to personal account.

Thinks, “This is not good.”

The emails are all spam, but they’re flowing into my inbox at the pace of a creek after a rainstorm. This is not where spam is supposed to go.

“Thank you for choosing to receive communications from Mappin & Webb”

“This is to confirm that you signed up for’s Mailing List”

“Hallo, vielen Dank für Ihre Newsletter-Anmeldung bei Holz-An. Viele Grüße,”

My spam is very classy and international.

Go to work.

Try to work.

0916a — Phone rings. Call from Austin, TX. Don’t pick up. They call back.

I pick up.

Caller: “This is the Apple Store online…”

Thinks, “Sure you are, buddy.”

Caller: “Did you recently try to purchase a 15-inch MacBook Pro — Space Gray, with Touch Bar and Touch ID, 2.8GHz quad-core 7th-generation Intel Core i7 processor, Turbo Boost up to 3.8GHz, 16GB 2133MHz LPDDR3 memory, 256GB SSD storage, Radeon Pro 555 with 2GB memory, Four Thunderbolt 3 ports, Backlit Keyboard — US English, Accessory Kit, and Force Touch trackpad for $2,399.00

Me: “Uh, no?”

Caller: “It looks like someone has gotten a hold of your Visa.”

Deep sigh.

Order is cancelled.

0923a — Phone rings. Call from East Dundee, Illinois. Pick up immediately.

Caller: “Hi, this is Visa. It looks like there might have been unauthorized activity on your — ”

Me: “Cancel it. Send it to a farm to live out the rest of its life with all the other credit cards. Burn it.”

Caller: “Uh…”

Amazon branded Visa is cancelled, but another is on the way! Ability to buy things I can’t afford is only minimally impacted by unfortunate situation.

Try to work.

Try to work.

Try to work.

Thinks, “Is this related to Equifax? Wouldn’t I have gotten a letter? Or an email?”

Checks Equifax site.

Freezes Equifax credit inquiries

Freezes TransUnion credit inquiries. Cost: $10

Freezes Experian credit inquiries Cost: $10


Checks recent activity on all other credit cards.

No suspicious activity.

Waits for future consequences.


Posts note on Facebook telling friends not to use email to communicate.

No likes. No comments. No shares.

Briefly wonders if anyone has seen post.

Wonders if it’s worth buying a Facebook “boost” to make sure people see post.

Wonders what ad categories might be needed to reach actual friends.

Sends texts to the three people who still email me, asking them not to email me but rather text.

Starts to really think —

If you were a “bad actor” and wanted to “mess things up” destroying faith in credit reporting agencies would be a decent start.

Tells theory to boss.

Boss recommends “Mr. Robot” Season One.

Social Security numbers are done, right? Like toast. And longer alpha-numeric identifiers are pretty done too, right?

Starts thinking about biometric authentication.

Starts thinking about the movie “Minority Report”

Also, remembers pertinent scene in “The Avengers”

Thinks of every scene in every movie where someone cuts off a hand to gain access to a secure facility. It’s a lot of movies. This is called the “Borrowed Biometric Pass Trope.”

Discards idea of biometric authentication.

Leaves work.

Stands by car in garage, unable to move.

Thinks, “How will I prove I’m me?”

Goes the hell home.

Stories told in audio form, but words are my first love.